The Burning Ashes (Story of my Life)

I'd like to give you guys some background about my journey through life. It was never easy never tolerable but it was my life ,and I had to choose to do something to Walk Away From the Burning Ashes. I was born August 14th 1989 the ending of the 80s at Age 3 my parents learned that I was full of energy and love music it began one summer day when I was running around the house singing Can't Touch This by MC Hammer my mom and dad didn't always see eye-to-eye but they believed in my music they eventually broke their relationship off when my mom was age 19 but she never let that stop her from graduating or going to college my mom graduated from Manassas High School in the heart of North Memphis Scudder field what's the name of the neighborhood she was from my mom told me stories of how my grandma pushed above and beyond to make a life for them my mom graduated from Concorde college is a medical assistant where she pursued a career at a local nursing home my mom has always been passionate and everything she did her career path eventually changed as she began to pursue another career as a Shelby County Sheriff Deputy jailer she was determined to show her children her hard work and dedication.

My mom eventually began to date again she met who she thought was a sweet innocent man who loves family later she found out he was a dangerous manipulating man and deceiving. he had a drug addiction to cocaine I remember days when she would cry her eyes out because he was abusive and a thief drugs bad turned him into someone else he made our lives a living hell! We would dreed to come home from school .I remember when I was 8 he bought me a cowboy coat and I hung it in my closet. I was so excited to wake up and show it off only to wake up to it being gone. I thought enough to say maybe he hid it but of course a child could dream right. He ould be absent for days at a time with no contact, my mom didn't mind because she was a victim of abuse this was a relief for her at times. My mother had no idea that he was doing everything under the sun to get money for drugs. As i think back i recall days when he took us to the dope house and left us there for us to find our way back hungry tired and sad me being the oldest of three of us.. I knew I had to be responsible and get us somewhere safe! God allowed me to do just that.God spared me.

His addiction lead him to doing things of the unthinkable. One cold winter day my so called stepfather had let drug dealers in the house they were allowed to take whatever they wanted. one of them ended up in the room with me and my brother and sister I could hear him breathing and the someone lifted the blanket off me I already knew it was a stranger I gave him a look of discernment and he left the room. I began thanking God for sparing me once again. I am a victim of rape molestation abuse and abandonment which left me angry. I never smiled. I'll tell you why my mom and stepdad we're fighting and my mom got a big cut on her arm and had to get stitches. My mom did not know I was being molested it started at Age 2 my cousin would touch me whenever my mom was not around it went on for three years.

When I was at age 5 the night my mom had to get stitches was the night my cousin decided to full-blown rape me I remember him telling me to lay on the floor and he had his way with me forcing penetration upon my little body I tried so hard to distract him from touching my siblings but that did not help later that night my mom came home she could feel something was wrong she rushed into my room and found me laying there in my drencehed betty boop night gown she had bought me for Christmas she immediately rushed me to the emergency room the doctors performed a rape kit I was full-blown raped after that episode I began to seek counseling I didn't stay very long and I didn't get the help that I need it was because my mom needed me and i had to be there for my siblings. I had to be there to protect them from the things that I seen and went through .

I always knew I was special. But i didnt believe anyone else did. I see things differently. I didn't see any misery I fought for my life and my siblings life I even tried fighting for my mom's life but it led to more abuse we were thrown, Slung, punched by stepdad trying to help out mom .what a horrible memory my life had to suffer. but I still knew I had to be strong. my mom worked in the daytime she had no idea of the things that were happening. I was always being bullied in grade school. People made fun of me for being different I was quiet smart optimistic and I couldn't spend any time being a child. I was in spelling bees all the way up to Middle School. People made fun of my intelligence and called me stupid. As I got into Middle School my teachers were enthused by my eagerness and confidence but others destroyed me.

Since i had to be in school i decided to join the band I love music something about the beat of the drum and how it's tune gives my heart high hopes especially how it makes me feel. Adrenaline rush lol. I began tunning out all of the evil going on at home and focusing on music! my favorite instrument is the snare drum. Always have been always will be. Drums gave me confidence I was confident in my drums. my family supported me in my music career even then my mother did attend my concerts, talent shows, and audition I made her proud. She believed in me so much she bought me a really expensive keyboard. I began to teach myself how to play as i felt it had healng powers. It was fun and distracting. I began to focus my attention on what was going on at home and channel in on how I felt about music. How it helps me to know my inner self. I got real good at it days my parents would fight I would catch everyone's attention with what I learned teching myself music. my stepdad was a family-oriented man but he had an addiction he failed at parenting. The addiction eventually took him away from us everln more. He constantly tried and tried rehab after rehab. I struggled to fit in at school because of always changing schools and also what was going on in my home. Others could see that I was hurt they could feel that I was helpless struggling to stay positive and live as a happy child it was horrible. We grew up in a church but it sure didn't feel like it.

God led us to a good church family.. who helped us in ways they could. my grandma was our biggest supporter she took us in under her Wing I remember days we packed up she had bought me a Minnie Mouse suitcase. Minnie was in the back of the truck ready for take off. And since I was the oldest she began teaching me skills to take care of myself and my siblings while we were out of her care. she was our shero she nurtured me put the broken pieces to my heart back together she instilled into me everything she knew and things she learned along the way she always said to me above all the getting, get an understanding I never understood what that meant until I became an adult. she wanted me to thi k for myself and never be afraid to ask questions. She also told me to be Fearless overcome fear because it is of the enemy. God is in control. I'm a very spiritual person. I Look to God for all my health and strength. little is much when he is in it. labor not for wealth or fame. when you cast your cares on him he began to open doors he will pour you out many blessings!

As I became old enough to realize my life is falling apart I thought to myself why me. I had done my Christian duties. I had several attempts of suicide. I felt worthless as a little girl I was molested raped, abused. talked about ,bullied..you name it. I never felt like I was ever going to amount to anything. We began going to see my family. Family they were very religious our church had strict standards. we believe in natural PERIOD! that means no makeup, Jewelry, pants basically anything that would change our natural being .you can only imagine the humiliation I suffered I was calked Jehovah Witness, church girl ,weird girl, even fast girl .

I never knew how strong I was going through all that I was at home and amongst my peers. I then turned to boys. I began to date around at a young age of 12. I got my cycle at age 10. I started offering my body to boys to make me feel good about myself. You see it makes a difference when you have a mother and a father who pays attention to you then you know who you are. you know that there's better for you. knowing there's someone is in your corner gives you confidence and you don't have to be afraid of the world. when I was at home and at school all I could think about was someone was going to touch me again. My dad was going to kill my mom or someone was going to trip me when i walk down the hall. some girl will call me stupid or church girl. I didn't make many friends at all I had enemies that didn't like me I wondered why I never knew I was always a sweet girl. I will give anybody my last and to be treated like trash became a thing of the past. I became bitter ,intolerable , a problem child I wanted attention!!! I got into fights I stopped caring about School I started having sex I remember one boyfriend I had I was so crazy about him but he wanted a baby I wasn't ready as i had helped raise my siblings. he left me because of that and then when I got into another relationship I had a baby wow crazy how that worked. but I'm glad it wasn't with him because he was rushing my body and my body needs time to heal from being touched as a child but he couldn't understand that as he was to still a child.

I knew I wanted to go to college. I was always Smart in school but I wanted be a cool kid as school was the last thing on my mind. I began hanging out, smoking, drinking partying, skipping school, laying up you name it! I had baggage. one thing I did realize in the midst of all the bad things I was doing was that I cared about what my folks thought. I prayed I never got caught. They believed in couldn't let them down. But I was being let down i said to myself so many years and I still push myself to make others proud and happy what about me I thought what about my freedom what about my childhood what about my lifestyle my happiness don't I deserve to be happy don't I deserve to feel loved?